


Till it's Gone

by KitsuneArashi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Blow Jobs, Fire, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 08:04:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8659135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitsuneArashi/pseuds/KitsuneArashi
Summary: Dean never realized the extent of his feelings for Cas, until he thought he'd lost him.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hayzkid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hayzkid/gifts).



> Beta'd by the awesome [Destiella.](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Destiella/profile) It was her first time as a beta and she totally rocked at it. Thanks so much.

Dean was in a panic by the time he reached Castiel’s apartment building. The street had been blocked off and he’d had to park Baby a street over and walk back around, surrounded by curious bystanders wanting to get a closer look at the commotion.  
  
The quiet Kansas street was blanketed in thick black smoke, the flames swallowing Castiel’s building with a hungry roar. Dean swallowed back bile as he reached the barricade, prevented from going further by a stern-faced police officer.  
  
“Sorry son, no civilians past this point.” The dark-skinned officer stood in his way, refusing to move.  
  
“Look, Officer…” Dean trailed off.  
  
“Henriksen,” the man provided, not budging from his spot by the barricade.

“Officer Henriksen,” Dean said respectfully, “my friend lives there and he’s not answering his phone. If I can just get in to see if he’s with the other evacuees…”  
  
“Name?” The officer asked, looking bored.  
  
“My name?” Dean was confused.  
  
“Your friend’s name. I have a list here of everyone who was evacuated.” He rolled his eyes and Dean swallowed down his frustration at being talked down to the way he was, he needed to stay respectful if he wanted the guy to help him.  
  
“Cas. Castiel Novak.” Dean answered finally, craning his neck to watch as the building made an angry groaning sound and the firemen hurriedly started to pour out of the building.  
  
“Hm.” Henriksen said slowly, checking his list before looking over his shoulder towards the waiting ambulances. “Give me a second.”  
  
As he wandered away , Dean’s mind started to go through the  worst possible scenario. Cas wasn’t on the list, which could mean that he was still trapped in the building, the building that all the firemen had just come out of because it sounded as though it were  about to collapse. Cas could be burning to death right now, his screams drowned out by the hiss of the water hitting the flames.  
  
A window exploded in a cascade of tinkling glass and Dean startled, snapping his eyes to Cas’ apartment window as though he could see his friend standing there, trying to get out. The window of course was empty, a pillar of smoke billowing out from where the glass had already blown out.  
  
Dean imagined Cas lying on his kitchen floor, the smoke choking him as the room heated up so much that he couldn’t move, couldn’t get out. Dean imagined him trapped and struggling to lift a fallen beam off himself.  
  
Dean’s breath started to come in pained gasps, each breath in pulling harshly at his chest, never bringing enough air, each breath out causing black spots to dance before his eyes.  
  
“Damn it.” A voice to his left muttered, suddenly calling for assistance.  
  
The next thing he knew, Dean was being lifted off the ground and escorted to an ambulance. A paramedic was pressing an oxygen mask over his face and making soothing noises, “Shh. Breathe in, yes. Then breathe out,” she urged, continuing as though Dean were actually obeying her and not panting harshly as panic overtook him. “Good. Now breathe in. And out.”

Dean slowly returned to himself, each breath coming easier as the panic dulled to a low simmer. He took a second to look around himself, forcing the panic back down as he realized that he couldn’t see Cas’ face among the evacuees he was now seated in the middle of.

“Good,” the paramedic praised. “Now you keep that on a bit longer. The smoke makes it hard enough to breathe, even without having a panic attack.”  
  
“Cas?” Dean tried to ask, the mask over his mouth and nose garbling his question unrecognizably, and the woman just shook her head.  
  
“Just wait for now, you can take that off in about half an hour,”  she said kindly, patting his arm before rising and moving on to help someone else.  
  
As time passed, the firemen got the fire under control. The building was completely ruined, apparently started by some faulty lights on someone’s Christmas tree. Dean asked Castiel’s neighbors if they’d seen him but the answer was always the same, no one had seen his friend today.  
  
Dean tried to force the fear back down; so far there had been no bodies removed from the scene and no one was seriously injured. It was possible that Cas wasn’t home, but it was also possible that he was. The firefighters hadn’t reached the upper floors yet as the fire had been on a lower floor and they were worried that the building would collapse around them, so it was slow. Giving Dean all the time in the world to dwell on his nightmares.  
  
By the time the light started to wane and Cas had still not turned up, Dean had convinced himself that his friend was dead. He imagined Cas’ ebony hair all singed and burnt, imagined Cas’ favorite tan trench coat soot stained and ruined. He imagined that Cas was dead, burned alive, just like Dean’s mother had been.  
  
Dean didn’t realize when he started to cry, didn’t realize when his breaths turned to gasps and the blackness swam before his eyes again. All he knew was that Cas was dead and it hurt more than anything he’d ever felt before.  
  
Dean collapsed onto his knees, the uneven ground tearing into his jeans and skin with abandon. He fought hard for each breath, sobbing brokenly into the pavement as he realized something that he’d always been too blind to see before.

Castiel; stoic, goofy, quiet Castiel was the best part of Dean’s life. And now he was gone, and Dean would never have the chance to tell him.  
  
Dean was barely coherent when Sam arrived to collect him from the paramedic who’d refused to allow him to leave alone. He didn’t hear a thing his brother said to him, just stumbled along behind him with his arms wrapped around himself, trying to physically hold himself together, even as his grief screamed to be released.  
  
Dean barely noticed as Sam led him to his own car, didn’t even think to mention Baby alone the next street over. He just tumbled into the seat and stared blankly out the window, his face pressed against the cool glass.  
  
Sam huffed and leaned over him to pull his seatbelt on. “It’s alright Dean,” he mumbled quietly, watching his brother cautiously.  
  
Dean didn’t respond.

The drive back home was done in silence, Dean’s arms still wrapped around himself, Sam shooting him worried glances as he drove.  
  
Dean didn’t move from his seat when Sam stopped the car on the curb. He stared blankly across his front lawn, eyes fixated on the sleek, black Impala where it sat in his driveway.  
  
“Sam,” Dean mumbled in confusion. “How is Baby here?”  
  
“I guess he got back before us.” Sam answered cryptically. “Come on, head inside, I’m going to go buy us some beers, I think we all need them today.”

Dean was barely inside the front door when all the air was knocked out of him. “Dean!”  
  
“Cas?” He blinked, pulling back until he could see that, yes, Castiel was currently pressed against him, arms wrapped tightly around Dean’s sides in almost the same place he’d held onto himself to hold himself together. “Cas!”

“Dean, I was so worried. I got over here and Sam said you’d gone to my place and then we see on the news that there was a fire and all we knew was that you were at my apartment and I thought you were dead!”  Castiel said in a rush. “And I know you don’t like me to drive Baby but I couldn’t stay there, so I brought her back here and waited for Sam to get back with news.”  
  
“Cas. I thought you were dead. I tried to call you.” Dean’s hands clung to Cas’ shoulders of their own accord and he doubted he could let go even if he wanted to.  
  
“I left my phone at home.” Cas mumbled, tugging Dean closer subconsciously. “We tried calling you too.”  
  
“Oh.” Dean said dumbly, reaching into his pocket to pull out his phone. The screen was cracked and it was ruined. “I guess I landed on it. Fuck, Cas, I’m so glad you’re OK. I have something I have to tell you.”  
  
“I have something to tell you too Dean, and I know that it’s probably not something you want to hear but I honestly thought you were dead and I’d never see you again and it was just tearing me apart knowing that I never told you.” Cas stepped back a little to look up at Dean worriedly. “I have to tell you.”  
  
“Of course Cas, you can tell me anything.” Dean was a little bit freaked out by how scared Castiel looked right now. He swallowed thickly, “Can I, can I go first though? I need to tell you before I lose my nerve.” Castiel nodded.

“I thought you were dead Cas. I pictured you all burned up inside your shitty apartment and the idea destroyed me. I tried to imagine my life with you gone and I just couldn’t. I need you Cas. I… I love you. I’m in love with you.” Dean gulped and tried to meet Cas’ eyes. “Say something?”  
  
Cas was staring up at him mutely, a look of total shock covering his face, at Dean’s nervous prompting something snapped inside of him and he surged forward, pressing Dean against the wall with his body, crushing their lips together roughly.

Dean squeaked in shock as his back hit the wall, the sound allowing Cas’ tongue entrance to his mouth and he groaned as the taste of Cas hit his own tongue for the first time. Dean’s hands roamed Cas’ back, reassuring himself that he was, indeed, OK. Castiel’s hands wandered over Dean’s body, in much the same way, desperately touching and stroking.

It wasn’t long until their kiss turned heated and Dean could feel the press of Cas’ erect cock rubbing against his own through their pants.

“I need you, Cas.” He repeated with a low moan, meaning it in both the same and an entirely different way than he did before.

Castiel groaned and reached down to unbutton Dean’s pants, tugging his erection out, even as Dean struggled to undo the button on Cas’ jeans. “Let me get it Dean,” Cas panted, gently knocking Dean’s hands aside to pull himself out as well.  
  
Dean watched with lidded eyes as Cas licked his palm, gently running his hand over the heads of their cocks where they rested against each other, gathering their combined precome to slick the way. Dean moaned in earnest as Cas started jerking them, moving his own hand down to join Cas’ and leaning heavily against the wall behind him.

Cas’ thrust his hips suddenly with a loud moan, the slide of his cock against Dean’s filthy and wonderful. They alternated thrusting into the tunnel of their joined hands, their pace increasing rapidly bringing them both to the brink of orgasm.

“I love you too, Dean.” Cas mumbled against his mouth, panting. “I love you too.” Cas tightened his grip, thrust into their hands one final time before he came over their hands with a low growl of Dean’s name.

Dean watched, entranced by the way Cas threw his head back and how a single bead of sweat ran down his neck.  The urge to lick it was so strong that he leaned forward and wrapped his lips around Castiel’s pulse point, tongue flicking out to lap at Cas’ skin with a moan.

When Cas came down from his orgasm he dropped to his knees and took Dean’s cock into his mouth. Dean groaned as Cas’ tongue lapped at his own come before he let his jaw fall slack and tugged Dean’s hips forward and back, he swallowed around Dean’s length and it was all Dean could to to warn him. “Cas, I’m gunna…” Instead of pulling away, Cas pressed forward with a moan, the vibrations enough to push Dean over the edge and he came with a yell. “Oh fuck!”

They took a moment to catch their breath before Dean looked around and realized they were still beside the front door. “We should probably clean up.” He mumbled in embarrassment.

“Go sit on the couch, I got this.” Cas offered, already heading towards the kitchen for some paper towels.  
  
“C’mere Cas.” Dean tugged Cas onto the couch with him when the blue eyed man wandered back into the living room. “I am so fucking glad you’re not dead.”  
  
Cas chuckled as he cleaned them both up, “I’m really glad you’re alive too, Dean.”  
  
They leaned into each other and pressed their lips together gently, a kiss filled with their relief and promises of more. They were startled apart by the front door closing and snapped their heads around to see a smiling Sam standing in the doorway.  
  
“I got beer and pizza guys. Let’s eat.” He said, eyes sparkling with happiness.

They sat around the table sharing a pizza and arguing about chores since Cas was, by unspoken agreement, moving in with them. For the most part the fear of the day was forgotten in a comfortable haze of food, beer and good company, though Dean never did use lights on his Christmas tree again.


End file.
